Across Europe there was a wild party in the early hours of yesterday morning to the delirious sound of a man with a pink teapot on his head rapping a Ukrainian folk song.
Everywhere except the Kremlin, that is.
In the dark turrets of Moscow’s Red Square, the waxy Vladimir Putin must have been sitting, trembling with rage, because Ukraine had just won Eurovision.
In a sure sign of unity against Russia’s continued aggression, Eurovision’s 180 million global audience rallied wholeheartedly behind the Ukrainian band.
Ukraine’s Euro victory seemed inevitable from the start of the four-hour show, which began in Turin, Italy, with more than 1,000 performers chanting “Give peace a chance”. Perhaps that sounded like desperate optimism. After all, the song failed to stop the Vietnam War when John and Yoko first sang it in 1969.
In the dark turrets of Moscow’s Red Square, the waxy Vladimir Putin must have been sitting, trembling with rage, because Ukraine had just won Eurovision.
Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra stand on stage after winning the Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final at Palaolimpico Arena, Turin, Italy
But at midnight, as the show’s hosts – including former pop star Mika – announced a colossal 439 public votes for Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra, with their song Stefania, peace was truly the winner.
Their wildly catchy song featured the world’s biggest whistle and a breakdancer wrapped in cashmere silk who twirled over every part of his anatomy and finished the routine standing on his head. Down that.
Briton Sam Ryder tried. His self-penned Space Man was Britain’s best effort since 1998 – simple pop chords, uplifting lyrics and a guitar solo that Brian May of Queen would be proud of.
He also proved himself a brilliant British ambassador, always smiling through his enormous beard, with his girlfriend Lois Gaskin-Barber by his side in the Green Room afterwards.
As the votes poured in, it long looked like Sam could pull off a historic victory. With Ukraine off to a slow start, Space Man topped the charts after only six of the 40 Eurovision juries voted.
And we stayed there, at the top, with 283 votes – ahead of Sweden, Spain and Ukraine – until the results of the telephone votes were finally announced. Ukraine were unassailable in the end, with 631 to 466, but the UK held a dizzying lead while it lasted.
Oleh Psiuk, leader of Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra, kisses his girlfriend Oleksandra before leaving the Universo hotel, after winning the Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final, in Turin, Italy, May 15
Graham Norton – who has commentated on Eurovision since 2009 – couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Take a picture, this is a pinch moment for me,” he gasped as we moved on. “It’s happening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not a sketch, it’s not a computer glitch.
Graham, who was seen rocked by the Bafta TV Awards last week before settling in a taxi, generally had a sour tongue for most of the night. “You’re going to enjoy yourself,” he announced at the start of the show, before adding in a mocking tone: “You’re for other things too.”
Other things included medleys from two of the show’s hosts, Italian singer Laura Pausini and Lebanese-born British songwriter Mika. It’s fair to say that Graham loved Mika’s set, repeatedly calling it “amazing”, as much as he hated Laura’s.
As Laura began her fourth strike with no sign of stopping, Graham groaned, “You might be thinking, ‘Surely this is it? Nope! It’s not. It’s a medley, it’s a whole album.’
After another change of grinding key, he snapped, “She’s over now… No!” She is not!’
In archetypal Eurovision style, topless male dancers and half-naked women appeared in nearly every routine. Some wore tops that only covered their shoulders, others wore transparent gauze. However, most wore nothing but a thick layer of fat, like cross-channel swimmers.
Graham Norton – who has commentated on Eurovision since 2009 – couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Take a picture, this is a pinch moment for me,” he gasped as we moved on. ‘It’s happening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not a sketch, it’s not a computer bug’
“The great Italian shirt shortage of 2022,” Graham joked.
His sarcasm almost plunged into despair, however, during a seemingly endless series of mournful mid-show ballads, beginning with a number from Azerbaijan, played on an empty bookcase, which proved surprisingly popular. with the judges.
A man from Belgium then tried unsuccessfully to reach high notes. The Greek entrance was played amidst overturned chairs that blended into the scene. And three frumpy sisters from Iceland have appeared as contestants in a village talent show.
A sister looked surprisingly familiar. “Special thanks to Princess Beatrice,” laughed Graham. ‘Good of him to show off!’
And then (finally) the ballads were over. “Hey, we made it, we’re on the other side,” Graham rejoiced. He was talking relatively – there were still two hours to go.
‘#Eurovision2022. I heard the call to f*** up Azov,” is written on the side of a Russian OFAB 250-270 high-explosive cluster bomb destined to be dropped on the Azovstal steel plant in Mariupol.
Chilling images have emerged from cruel taunts scrawled on the side of Russian bombshells destined for Mariupol following Ukraine’s success in the Eurovision Song Contest last night. “As you requested, Kalusha!” For Azovstal’, the message reads as a mocking rejoinder to Eurovision winners Kalush Orchestra’s call for more help in Ukraine and for the evacuation of Ukrainian fighters from the Azovstal steel plant in Mariupol
Petr Andryushchenko, adviser to the mayor of Mariupol, shared the footage of the Russian bombs on his own Telegram channel, where he condemned Putin’s forces for “losing their humanity”. “They are simply inhuman…they have lost everything remotely resembling humanism and humanity…This is the reaction of the Russian army to our victory at Eurovision 2022.. In Russia, a century of repentance will follow the losses,’ he said.
But if he was in pain, presenter Mika had a nightmare. At one point, the Norwegians, hidden behind yellow wolf masks, continued to muscle and hug him, until he forgot his lines.
Then rushing to a group, he said: “We have Spain – I’m really sorry, Romania… Now we move on to the next performance, it’s Holland. POLAND!’
Last year’s winners, heavy rockers Maneskin, performed their excellent new single in the meantime, despite lead singer Damiano injuring his leg and barely being able to stand.
And then Laura mysteriously disappeared as voting began, leaving Mika and co-host Alessandro Cattelan desperately improvising to fill time.
Satellite links began to crash, with Swedish Eurovision showrunner Martin Osterdahl forced to step in and reveal some of the international judges’ results. Now Mika seemed ready to cry.
But none of the disasters mattered in the end. The Ukrainian performers ended their number with a catchy cry to end the war “now!” – and all of Europe responded. They will not have liked it at all in the Kremlin.
