Much of the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus community was upset last week when underage students learned that counterfeits created by famed facilitator Old Ironsides no longer scan many student bars frequented.
While many people of legal drinking age are delighted that freshmen are now forced to return to the less popular bars on Regent Street, more experienced students in their 20s have enjoyed greater mercy. Victims, mostly juniors, are now gearing up for Thirsty Thursdays of snuggling up to an empty Burnett bottle and quietly singing Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine” through humble tears while staring at their friends for a bit. older reject vodka lemonades. at Plaza and Whiskey Jack’s on their Instagram stories.
It would be wrong to say that nothing positive came out of the event that turned the semester upside down. In the week following the change, the GPA and the number of participants skyrocketed. While the sample size is small, student reports indicate that the trend is likely to continue.
“If I don’t drink, what am I supposed to do but stick my head in a textbook? When people have to stop drinking in the movies, they start going to Alcoholics Anonymous, which leads them to turn to God,” said marketing junior Isaac Schwalbe. “There’s no way I can do this – if I do, I’ll just be forced to give up the rest of my vices. Eternal salvation sounds cool and all, but vaping is non-negotiable. C is the end.
The average GPA for the fall 2021 semester was just under 3.4, as homework assignments since last Thursday pushed the school’s average up to 3.8. In addition, Friday class attendance improved by 20%.
Each of these data points could have been even more impressive, but students who can still go to bars have become tougher since having State Street establishments to themselves, leading to lower grades and skipping classes to cure a hangover or get a head start on yet another night of debauchery.
Additionally, more students than ever have met with their advisors about the possibility of pursuing their master’s and doctoral degrees. Unfortunately, the cause is that this is how long it will take university health services to finally provide a therapy appointment for every student who now has to face their sober demons.
Given the academic advances, UW-Madison can expect a surge in donations. Despite how difficult the debacle was, students can take comfort that increased funding could mean there’s a new concrete building rectangular enough to rival Van Vleck at the end of the tunnel.
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