‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap, Season 9, Episode 5


Vanderpump Rules

Drink the tea, spill the tea

Season 9

Episode 5

Editor’s Note

3 stars

Photo: Well done

What are we going to do with Brock, an OnlyFans page waiting to happen? It looks like our thick / thic Australian friend made a terrible miscalculation in joining this “group of friends” here. But what about the way Scheana handles it? What about Lala bringing up these allegations on camera? What if we were just going to revive this argument over and over for the remaining 15 episodes of this season? I have so many questions.

But before we can respond to it, we need to do a little PSA: Has anyone seen Charli? She is 24 years old, around five foot five inches, just lost 45 pounds, has brown hair, brown eyes and an aversion to pasta / “pasta”. She was last seen wearing pantyhose Rachella clothes and cuddling a makeup model about 16 weeks ago, and no one has mentioned her, tried to date her, or taken her out for a drink. glass since. It should be considered unarmed but still extremely dangerous. There is a $ 0 reward for information on his whereabouts, but I would like to solve this mystery very soon. Thank you.

It all started at Ariana’s Drink From Home party so she could see if any idiots could make cocktails for her at home based on her written instructions, and the answer is two out of three idiots support those cocktails. Sorry, Brock. Katie didn’t attend this party because she and Sandoval had a fight, so Katie stayed home and baked cookies. No, it’s not a typo. It was a giant cookie. I’m both disgusted and in awe of his ingenuity and laziness because why bother baking a dozen small cookies when we all know you’re going to fit them all in a chocolate coated handful anyway?

After cocktails, Scheana takes Brock aside and tells him that Lala asked what was going on with him and his kids when they went shopping. I hope she told him at home as well, but she must have done so for screenplay purposes. When all the couples get together for dinner, Brock sits down next to Lala and apologizes to her for talking about her family and that it “triggered” her. Um, that’s a weirdly passive-aggressive way of starting this conversation. What he wanted to tell her was that there is more to the story than she knows, and maybe she shouldn’t be so worried about Scheana. However, he said, “Sorry if you got hurt.” Weird, brother.

This is the thing. Lala didn’t know the whole story, and although Scheana says so, she keeps her mother. During this conversation with Brock, Lala asks why he can’t see his kids because she’s learned about Lisa’s knees and knows how to be both a star and a producer. He says he doesn’t want him and his family chatting “in this group of friends” and says he will talk to Lala about it later. We all know what that means: Brock has something to hide and doesn’t want to talk about it on camera. Okay, now I’ve gone from “We don’t know the whole story; maybe the mother of the kids is really a job like Brock says “to” Oh yeah, that guy fucked a mutts Yulin dog festival. “

Everything happens when Lisa invites all the girls to Villa Rosa for tea. Well, all the girls except Charli, who was sitting for her milk carton portrait that day. When Scheana brings up the fact that Lisa never met Brock, Lala sees it as an opportunity to say that she wasn’t trying to “embarrass anyone” by raising her children, but then she tells us exactly what it is. that Brock told him. off camera. In summary, Brock was unable to see his children because his ex filed a domestic violence complaint against him. Scheana tries to make it look like the example is lying about it, then says that’s not the reason Brock can’t see his kids. Yes, the reason he can’t see his kids is because he hasn’t paid child support, so Scheana is technically right, but she’s also dead wrong.

I don’t know who in this trio behaves the most badly. I actually do, and it’s Brock. Domestic violence and non-payment of child support are horrendous, and the statistical likelihood of someone committing domestic violence again is quite high. I understand that Lala is worried about Scheana, and I think we should all be, but the way she describes him is so condescending. “It’s not just you. You have a child now, ”she said. As Scheana did not know?

Scheana, as usual, tries to make Brock look perfect and wonderful and like she’s made the best choices in life. Uh, we’ve all met Shay. Do you remember him ? Not a good husband. We all met Rob, who could set up a TV in seven minutes but would never overwhelm it emotionally. Know that. We met this odd bartender who she wanted to be in a relationship with, but he only wanted to be friends. Oh my God, do you remember him? It’s Scheana who makes bad choices again and then tries to cover them with male lies. No wonder Scheana’s mother hates Brock. I think so do I.

Then there is Brock. I mean, how are you going to go on reality TV with a domestic violence charge and a debt to the mother of your kids without realizing it’s going to turn into a story? How did he not settle his child support before the start of filming so that he could say “Oh yeah, I took care of that”? The stupidity of these people shouldn’t surprise me after seeing Sandoval think his goatee is a good idea, but here we are again, amazed that one of our dunces on TV has only two brain cells and that ‘they seem to get along like Solange and Jay-Z in an elevator.

While this is going on at Lisa’s, Brock is with the boys at Schwartz’s and Scheana texts him about it. When Brock finds out, he explodes and almost spits out a stale Big Mac all over Schwartz’s modern farmhouse that he can’t even get a home equity loan against because his interest rate is too high. He calls Lala an asshole for sharing what he told her in confidence on camera. What naivety! What show was he thinking of signing up for, My little pony: everything is sunny? Then he has tears in his eyes as he says she should never fuck with her family. Oh you mean the family you have not paid your child support To? He says Lala shouldn’t make him a bad father because he hasn’t seen his child. Uh, how about making you a deadbeat dad because you are a bad father. Stupidity is powerful with this one.

Aside from Brock and Scheana looking even worse than usual, I’m kind of getting closer to everyone. Even Katie Maloney – the woman inside my TV I hate the most, and that includes Selena Gomez barely playing in Only the murders in the building – had a moment this episode while talking about how she had an abortion ten years ago. I thought it was powerful and necessary, and thanks to Katie for speaking out for all the women who might need it at some point in their lives. Ugh, give it up for Katie Maloney, a bad haircut factory for one woman.

My love affair with Raquel, the pink dog on Paw Patrol with eyelash extensions, also continues. She went to play pickleball with Lala, and the two had a cute scene where Lala sincerely apologized for the way she had treated her in the past and explained that she blamed Raquel for her falling out with James. I mean, I think we should all ditch James and keep Raquel at this point, and I can’t believe I have to say it out loud and also clean up the internet of all the mean things I ever said to his subject.

Because Raquel lost a bet with Lala in a game of pickleball – and I must say Section 3 of the California Penal Code 1492 states that any bet made on a game of pickleball is void due to secondary embarrassment – Raquel is due to speak at their next event, and she does it with aplomb. She doesn’t just mention how James’ proposal got her wet; she makes a good dick joke too, and that’s when ladies and gays I finally got completely around Raquel. And I hate myself, and this is the meanest trick Caroline Calloway has ever played.

Finally, we’re left with Tom and Katie and their visit to the fertility doctor, to which Katie wears a T-shirt with marabou lined sleeves that I can say is the most unflattering thing I’ve ever seen at the television, and we’re still only halfway through Kyle Richards’ RHOBH meeting held. We find out that her uterus is virgin and it’s Tom Schwartz’s sperm that are misshapen, possibly due to the amount of alcohol and psychedelics that this one-man Dave Matthews Band tailgate party regularly consumes.

“All of my sperm have odd-shaped heads. Or two heads. Who knew that the sperm heads were so important? Schwartz later asked Sandoval when they were alone in the house, their fingers coated with chicken wing grease.

“Look, there’s only one head I’m worried about, and that’s it,” Sandoval replied. He undid his belt, unbuttoned his pants and put on a chubby over the elastic of his boxers. “Come here.” Schwartz did so and fell to his knees, smiling at his friend before diving in. Sandoval tilted his head back and moaned, his hands running through Schwartz’s hair, finally resting in the small hollow at the back of his head. Then suddenly he grabbed Schwartz by the shoulders and forced him to stand up. “You said double headed, didn’t you?” He said, grabbing Schwartz’s belt, as they both smiled and thought about the cum they would be wasting in a few moments.


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